Winter Driving

It snowed early this year. Then it rained. Then that froze. Then in snowed again. Not unexpected around here at all, but the roads are pretty crummy.
Driving home from daycare was rough yesterday. We were also in a rush to get home, eat, change, and go to dance class.
E: Mom? I want to ask you a question.
M: OK. What is it?
E: I'm doing a really, really good job being patient.
M: Yes, you are.
(Not really a question, but it's true. She's just sitting there quietly)
E: You're not. Remember you said we all need to share the road and take turns, Mom? It doesn't help when you tell people to "come on" and talk sassy to them. You just need to wait patiently until it's your turn.

Ouch.

Turtle Weenies

E: Mom, I like your sweater.
M: Thanks.
E: How come it goes all the way up to your chin?
M: That's what kind of a sweater it is. It's called a turtle neck.
E: I don't really like the necks. You know what I like? I like turtle weenies.
M: WHAT?
E: You know - turtle weenies and raviolis.
M: You mean tortellinis?
E: Yes. Turtle weenies.

Car chat

In our car, the conversation is so completely random.
This morning I heard about how sometimes it's fine to say "K" instead of "OK". Some people like to say "OK" and some "K".
I also heard about how various children have different coats, hats and mittens just like how different children have different hair color, eye color and skin color. It's so we don't all get confused.
Perhaps the most random:
"MOM! Oh. My. Gosh! I have the greatest idea! You want to know what it is? Are you ready? Are you ready?"
"Sure. What's your idea?"
"We can make a tree house... out of my old crib!!! It would be perfect! It already has the fence so you won't fall and everything!"

I can't argue. It's not a terrible idea. Definitely going to have to talk to Dad about that one.

We have colds

E: Mommy? mumble mumble mumble
M: What?
E: Huh?
M: I didn't hear you. I have a cold. You have to talk louder.
E: Huh?
M: I didn't hear your words.
E: I don't even know what you said.

OK then. I guess is was important.

Boxers? Or Briefs?

Elise to her teacher:
Wanna hear something really funny? My dad wears skorts instead of underwear. He even wears them to bed.

My bad...

M: Elise, eat your sandwich.
E: But, I'm full.
M: Why did you ask me for a sandwich if you're not even hungry?
E: You must not have been listening to my words. I said I wanted a sandwich to LOOK at.

Your boss called

E: Mommy who is your boss?
M: Cathy is my boss.
E: Well Cathy called while you were changing your work clothes.
M: Oh yeah? What did she say?
E: She said "Give Elise honey and apple juice for her dinner."

Fortune Cookie

Daddy was opening a fortune cookie. Elise yells "What does it say?" and snatched the forture from him.
She concentrated then said "Love your heart. Jummy jam heart."
Daddy "WHAT!?!"
Elise "I can't read. That's the best I can do."

The Shred

The 30 Day Shred is the evil genius of Jillian Michaels. It works, but she will kill you.

Elise just made up a lovely song. She's playing on the piano and singing:

"I don't like that lady.
That lady who exercises with mom.
She always shows her belly...
And her bras."

Rough morning

Elise is always crabby in the morning. As someone who has dealt with morning crabby all my life, I do actually understand how she feels. Someday she too will discover the magical power of coffee. Until then we're going to have some rough mornings. On the way to daycare this morning:

E(insert attitude here): Mom, why do you always listen to Sinatra?
M: Sinatra? I like Sinatra. Don't you?
E: Everyone likes Sinatra, but not everyone has to listen to it all the time.
M: I haven't listened to Sinatra in a long time. Are you having a rough morning?
E: Who is this singing right now?
M: This is Morrissey, not Sinatra.
E: Geez. I wish I was in Dad's car.

What am I going to do when she's 15?

So sneaky...

I just heard Elise yelling from upstairs:

"I'm sneaking an Oreo very carefully so you won't here me!"

She's got some lessons to learn about sneaking cookies.

Father's Day

M: Father's day is coming up this Sunday. You still have plenty of time, but you can start thinking of something special you want to make or give to daddy.

E: I know! I think I will get him a #1 with a Coke! That's special and he would love that!


Sadly, that's true.

Day care drop off

This morning as I walked out of the daycare center I heard:

Little boy: Elise, why does your mom smell like sunscreen?

Elise: I don't know. Why do you cut your own hair?

My toughest critic.

I'm strapping Elise in her carseat when she notices I woke up late and look crappy today.

E: Mommy did you miss your makeup today?
M: What do you mean? Is there some extra somewhere?
E: No. I just don't see any. I think you missed it.
M: Oh. You mean skipped it? I did put make up on, but maybe I didn't put on as much as usual.
E: Maybe *I*miss it. I usually prefer a little more on you. Why are you wearing those shoes?
M: Because I left my high heels at work. Don't worry, I'll change them when I get there.

E: Do you need to go back in the house and start over?

Cootie Play

Overheard between 2 cooties.
Cootie 1: Oh man. I don't feel so good.
Cootie 2: Why not?
Cootie 1: Well, I think it's because my head fell off.... Oh there. That's much better.

Cootie 1: Wait. What is that terrible stink?
Cootie 2: Oh. That's just my farts.
Cootie 1: Could you please help me take my head off again?

Car talk...

E: Is there also a Father's Day?
M: Yes there is. Father's Day is in June.
E: Oooo... I'm so excited!
M: Well it's a long time from now. You have plenty of time to think about it.
E: I know what daddy wants. I already know what his present will be.
M: Oh yeah? (I'm really curious) What would daddy like?
E: His own..... PAINT ROLLER!!! Not a big one, but a little one. Just for daddy!
M: A paint roller?
E: Yes. One of those little tiny pink paint rollers. Don't tell him please. Please Mommy, Please. It will ruin the surprise.

Unjust punishment

Elise is very upset. She got in trouble today at school and had to sit on the wall (time out).
She was only trying to be funny and make jokes.
She said "Anyone raise your hand if you want me to punch you in the head!"

Apparently her teacher didn't think it was that funny. She insists that it was very funny and her teacher was wrong.

She dresses herself

Most people know that. I am well aware that my child walks around like a movie star although she looks like Janis Joplin in the later years. Yesterday was no exception. Pink flower dress, flower tights, a bright pink sweater - all in various shades of pink. Not THAT bad. At least it all fit. The accessories may have been a little over the top. She wore bright pink flowered Minnie Mouse sunglasses, a pink rose flower girl headband, pink and purple necklaces and bracelets... it was all very, very pink.
Most people in public look at her and smile. We give each other knowing glances as they tell her how lovely she looks and ask her how old she is.
In the mall restroom yesterday, one lady stopped and stared in shock and horror. She looked completely disgusted and muttered "Wow. She looks um, she's just very, um, she's um..."
She was lost for words and clearly did not approve. I interjected, "Done up? Yes I know."
Lady (still completely disgusted says back to me), "Wow. Yes, she's very done up for such a..."
Elise looks at the lady, looks back and me and says loud and clear, "Wow. She's very old for a grandma."

Fonky and The Law

We've got two friends.

Fonky is a bad boy. He's so naughty. He always says things like "idiot" or "I don't want to be your friend". Sometimes he spits. Sometimes he pushes or hits. He even sneaks beer and candy. Sometimes when mom and dad say "It's time to go brush your teeth" Fonky tells us "NO!" or says "I don't have to listen to you! I'm Fonky!".

On the other side is The Law.
The Law is a baby lizard. He's so cute and tiny and sweet. He never steals toys, he always listens, he has good manners, he eats his food and gives us kisses with his tiny, tiny lizard lips. Sometimes he likes to have a bath. He's always friendly and loves to sit on our lap to watch TV and read stories. He loves puppies too. The Law is the best.

Alone in the park

The weather is quite lovely here right now. Last night we took a bike ride to the park. We got there and the place was vacant. That's cool with me. No fighting over the swings, no kids running up the slide, no big crazy kids pushing the little ones down. Elise missed it. She was asking where all the kids were. I honestly didn't know. I really, really don't have all the answers.

We played for a while then the sun started going down a bit. I told her we have to get going because we still have to do bath and stories.

As we rode on the bike path out of the park a couple of families with several kids were running towards the playground equipment.

Elise yells to them "Where were you family when I was lonely!?!"

Stop talking to strangers (Part 10 million)

Today Elise told a cashier she had a funny voice.

She also shouted "EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! SMOKERS!!!" while pointing at a group of people smoking outdoors (because it's the law here).

Clueless

Elise is in the bathtub throwing water in the air screaming "It's raining miracles! Praise him! Oh praise him!"

I tell you this with 100% certainty. I have NO IDEA where that came from. Was she a revivalist in a past life?

Odd.

Look what I can do!

Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do! Look what I can do!


That is all.

Please stop talking to strangers.

There was a young man walking across the Costco parking lot. You could tell he thought he was pretty cool that day. He was wearing skin tight jeans, motorcycle boots, a black leather jacket and sunglasses with flames on the sides. He had a swagger like he was certain he could take on the world.

My child spots him and says "Ooooh. Ohhhh. Look at that guy."
She yells "HI!"
He stops, smiles and said "hi" back to her.
Then she asks him "Are you a real race car driver? Or just playing dress up today?"

Poor, poor deflated ego.

Everyone needs magic pants

Elise slowly walked out of her room carrying a pair of black cotton Circo brand pants.

E: Mom?
M: Yes dear.
E: It appears that I have no magic pants. Would be OK if I call these my magic pants? I know they aren't soft enough to be magical, but is it lying if I pretend they are?

Serious Discussion

Last night while reading stories, Elise was studying my face and eyes.
I asked her if something was wrong.
E: Mommy? Why do I not look like you?
M: Some children look like their Mommy and some children look like their Daddy. Some children look like neither parent and just look like their own person.
E: But I don't have spots and I don't have those eye lids like you have.
M: I know. But you look just like daddy and he looks pretty good.

She sighed heavily.
"OK. I guess I will look like daddy. I don't mind my supple lips, but when will I get my beard?"

The Easter Bunny

Yesterday afternoon there was a little rabbit sitting by our deck chewing on new grass. Elise spied him and stared in wonder for a while. She asked if she could go out and talk to him, but daddy told her he'd hop away when the door opened.
She lightly tapped on the glass door and whispered "Thank you Easter Bunny."

American Idol

E: Dad? When are you going to go on American Idol?
D: I don't know. You think I should go on American Idol?
E: You're a pretty good singer.
D: That's true. They used to call me songbird when I was a boy. What do you think I should sing?
E: Give me back my fillet o fish! Give me that fish! Give me back my fillet o fish! Give me that fish!

That's what they get.

E: Mom? Can I bring my pink puppy with me to the gas station?
M: Sure.
E: Would anyone laugh at him?
M: Um, no. I don't think so.
E: Good. If anyone laughs at my puppy I will say "HEY! Don't you laugh at my puppy!" Then I will yell at them. Then I will make them cry. Then that would be funny to me. Then *I* would laugh at *THEM*. So they better not laugh at my pink puppy.

Skip To My Lou

Skip, skip, skip to my Lou
Skip, skip, skip to my Lou
Skip, skip, skip to my Lou
Diarrhea Chocolate.

M: I think it's supposed to be "Skip to the Lou my Darlin'"
E: HA HA HA!!! My Darlin'? I don't think so mom.

This one's from dad.

Elise was sitting on the couch playing her Leapster.
D: What are you playing?
E: Stinkersmell.
D: What? Tinkerbell?
E: No. Stinkersmell. She farts pixie dust.

Coming right up.

E: Mom? Could I have a snack of cheese?
M: Sure. Would you like shredded or plain?
E: Hmmmmm... Well I think I prefer Montery Jack in the shape of Colorado.

I guess I'm annoying.

E: Mom!
M: What?
-silence-
E: Mom!
M: What?
-silence-
E: Mom!
M: What do you want? Why do you keep saying mom?

E: You know when I'm in the bathtub and you yell "Elise" and never want anything? That's really annoying.

M: I say that to make sure you're OK.

E: Oh. Well are you OK? Or just annoying?

From the bathtub

E: Mommmmmmm! Oh Mooooooooommmmmmmmmm!!!
M: (running in to see what's wrong) What is it?
E: I made you something to drink! (she's holding a couple scoops full of bathwater).
M: Oh yeah? What did you make for me?
E: It's coffee. You're going to like it. It's hazelnut flavored coffee with a pinch of sugar and vanilla flavored rice milk.

I guess she pays attention.

I'll get right on that...

Hear me! Hear me!
Can everybody hear me!?!
For all the people who can hear me that eat mushrooms...

Go get me something to drink!

Cute little girly girl

Last night was taxes/out to dinner night. Our server thought Elise was the cutest little thing ever. Their conversation:
S: Are we all ready to order? Or do you need a few minutes?
E: Hi! (Mom I'll do it! I'll do it myself!) I'd like a grilled cheese sandwich and lemonade please.
S: Ohhhhhh... you're SO CUTE!
E: Thanks. Do you like my dress? It has flowers on it.
S: I do like your dress. You're such a pretty girl. How old are you?
E: I'm 4. I'll be 5 on my 5 year old birthday. It's on December 16.
S: Ohhhhhhhhh... you're cute AND smart. What's your name?
E: Angry Stinkeye. Nice to meet you.

Snork?

E: Mommy, did you snork last night?
M: Uh, what?
E: You know. Snork. Did you snork?
M: I have no idea what that word means.
E: It's when daddy is snoring oh so loud so you have to sneak quietly into another room to sleep.
M: Oh, yeah. I guess I did snork. Did you?
E: No. I usually just try to stay away from dad when he sleeps.

me too

California Dreamin'

E: Mommy? Why do our roads have so many pop holes?
M: Pot holes? I don't know. This road only has a couple though. It's not bad at all.
E: I bet roads in California don't have any pop holes. All the roads are smooth and all the cars are happy. We should really live in California Mom.

Yes, yes we should...

What on earth?

On the way to dance class this morning.

"Wow! Did you see that? That go light changed SO FAST. I think it has the code of the ninja."

New name

My daughter decided she has a new name.
Elise Claudia Whistlin' Pete

Why? I don't know. It sounds good to her. She keeps practicing her whistling and is getting better and better.

Dad's name can also be Joe Whistlin' Pete. Not mom though. She eats mushrooms. She's not normal. Just Elise and Dad Whistlin' Pete.

It's been a while.

Life gets busy. Things start to slide by and before you know it, your baby is grown up.

I need to add a few jems before I forget forever.

"Mommy? Is Santa and the Elves Daddy?"
Sigh. I knew this day would come, but she's only 4. She's so young. Who can I blame for this? Daycare? TV? Dad himself? Is she just that smart? I'm not ready.
"Of course not. Santa and the Elves are Santa and the Elves. Who ever told you such a thing? Santa and the Elves live in the North Pole. They can't possibly be Daddy. He lives with us."
She paused for a second, looked at me like I was insane and replied, "No mom. I SAID - Is Santa the Elves' Daddy? Who is the Elves mom and dad?"